I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
