my phone needs a breathalizer
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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