I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
