just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
