i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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