i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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