What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
