so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
organizing the empties. That sober.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
