I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
