They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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