you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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