Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm both gender and math confused
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