Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
