guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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