I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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