my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
