The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
