Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
