Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
