I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
They have beer where we have blood.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
