I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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