I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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