My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize