The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
