New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
