The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
