new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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