I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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