i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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