I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i need some magic done to my vagina
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
