I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
