Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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