do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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