Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
