When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
