I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
