Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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