Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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