Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
