i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i would punch a child for taco bell
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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