I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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