it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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