You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
