she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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