Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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