If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
