That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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