Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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