My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
