That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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