You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
