I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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