The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
