I accidentally burped into my bong.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize