My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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