Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
