I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
