I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You ate ashes out of my bong
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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