I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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