Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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