I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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