I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
