Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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