I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
